“God made me fast. And when I run, I feel his pleasure.”
-Ian Charleson as Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire
I love exploring Philadelphia. As I prepare to move on, I’ve made sure to wander down different alleys and neighborhoods I’ve yet to explore over the last 7 years. There’s something about seeing a new street or alley for the first time. I also find awe in approaching familiar places from new angles, seeing the sunlight hit with fresh perspectives. I never know what’s going to catch my eye on a particular day and what sort of visions of artistry might be inspired as I look through the lens of my old Canon Rebel T3i.
Friday was one of those days. I wandered around the UPenn campus in University City. As I was taking pics outside Franklin Field, the head groundskeeper pulled up behind me in his golf cart and asked if I had ever been inside. When I said no, he invited me in to explore the place all to myself. I couldn’t pass it up. There’s something about getting to explore a grand cathedral like that without anyone else in the way. I truly felt blessed. It reminded me of the time I bribed a security guard to let me into one of the towers at Angkor Wat in Cambodia to watch the sun set after the temple had already closed for the night or the time I had a whole hour to myself on a Wednesday afternoon at the Church of St. Paul in Malacca, Malaysia. It’s in those times I’m humbled to experience being truly blessed. When I’m exploring new things through my camera lens, I feel YHWH’s pleasure.
The views from atop the stands at Franklin Field were breathtaking. The entire panorama of Philadelphia was at my disposal. I got some cool shots of the empty stadium with the majesty of the city in the background. But I’m always on the hunt for art that few others see. The shot above is the result of that hunt.
As I was walking around the upper concourse, if you could call it that, of Franklin Field, I was struck by how the sunlight was pouring through the arches. The concourse itself wasn’t nearly as dark as in the frame above. Basically it was like walking through darker shadows. Camera phones are certainly amazing these days but mine would have picked up how generally decently lit the area was without the stark contrast I ultimately captured. The cool thing is, I saw that exact finished product in my head as I began looking for the best place to take the shot. I knew that with the right angle, shutter speed, aperture, and ISO settings, I could capture the brilliant light peering through that made shadows seemingly dance with an immaculate geometry. This shot was the first of three different angles I tested out. When I pulled up the photo for some touchups in Lightroom, I knew I had captured one of my favorites (granted there are many favorites) that I had ever taken. I was filled with joy that I once again had found the eye I had discovered for myself a decade ago that had been long lost. I felt YHWH’s pleasure.
The tough thing right now is that as I’m out feeling that pleasure, I still feel the grief and lament of having missed that feeling of pleasure since I was abused by my boss and the church in Malaysia. Photography was the first love that I gained 12 years ago as I grew to know the love and pleasure that YHWH had in me. It was the first thing that I lost as the darkness of PTSD and physical illness took their toll and drove me to things I never would have done otherwise like transition and other numbing drugs.
I lost much more important things that also helped me feel YHWH’s pleasure. The greatest earthly love of my life, my wife Megan, now seems irretrievably gone too- recently having found out she likely remarried. Words cannot explain the depths of loss and grief that came with losing these things that brought me great joy and inspired me to love. I don’t know to reconcile the fact that I lost my very mind to PTSD and physical illness, only to begin healing and not be able to find what I once and still loved healing with me. It hurts to be able to find and own the places I can take responsibility for how I fell apart while crushing my wife and not have a shot at forgiveness, making amends, and/or restoration. It hurts even more knowing that so much of the hurt and literally insane decisions came from an invisible foe that I did not intentionally let in.
But I’m glad for the hope of all things being made new. I’ve seen many glimpses of resurrection over the last year and a half since I began healing. Photography is one of the best examples. I also started seminary at Gordon-Conwell a few weeks ago. My heart leaps for joy as I dig in and learn more about the story YHWH wrote in the Hebrew Bible and how it points us to the redemption and resurrection I so desperately crave. I’m overjoyed to feel YHWH’s pleasure again. But I’m also amazed to have learned of his steadfast love, realizing his pleasure never actually left.
Perhaps I’m still insane but I still hope that the promise of all things new has implications for this life. I still feel my covenant love, my hesed, for Megan. It’s funny, I get this feeling walking around with my camera that I felt once before. The thing that brings me the greatest in life is getting to share the things I love with the people I love, and share in the things they love. I lost that when I went insane. And so I walk around Philly with my camera feeling this deep longing to once again share the art I envision through my camera lens with Meg before it even comes to fruition. Like I said, I felt that once before. Before we officially started dating and when our boss was abusively interfering in our relationship, I’d wander the neighborhoods of Kuala Lumpur longing for just one afternoon to bring Megan alongside me to show her the beauty that I saw and was trying to capture. 9 months after I got fired, I got to return to KL to propose. On the second to last day of my 3 week trip back, having successfully proposed, I got to take her with me on my favorite route- exploring areas of the city that few tourists would ever think to wander down.
I still hope that one day in this age I can again show her the beauty of the world through my camera lens. Even if not, I’m still confident I’ll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And the beauty of the new creation is that it is just that, the land of the living, and even more so than the current state of things where death still reigns. I know that all things will be made new including all things lost and broken- like my passion for photography and the severed marriage covenant that I still desperately long to see healed.
Until then, healing hurts. But the hurt is worth it if no longer numbing means I once again feel YHWH’s pleasure and see His beauty through the lens of my Rebel.